When I was 29, I wrote a piece about what turning 30 means to me. It seems as though I just blinked, and here I am at age 39 reflecting upon what turning 40 means to me. At age 29, I felt like I had come full circle. I married my prince, had my first child, purchased my first home, and my career was moving along nicely. My life was blessed more than I ever dreamed it could be. In my thirties, more blessings came my way...the birth of two more children, a move to a new city, the purchase of a second home, and a major career shift...my blessings have been abundant, and I am grateful everyday for each and every one of them...
As wonderful as life has been…my thirties taught me that there is no such thing as a fairytale…There are battles and struggles we all have to go through. I learned that loss and change are a part of life...During my thirties, we experienced illness and death and all of the scars they leave behind. We lost a parent, a matriarch that was in many ways the glue of my husband’s family. We had no idea that the journey of healing from such a loss would be just that...a journey.
In addition to that loss, so many of our loved ones experienced illness, and in some cases death, and again we were left to figure out "why", and how to fill the spaces that were left empty from their passing. The experience of loss has taught me to value every day as a gift, to not live life in fear of whats to come...but to enjoy the NOW as much as you possibly can. This is a work in progress I must admit.
Over the last 10 years my husband and I have survived many of life's ups and downs, and have somehow managed to grow stonger through it all. Actually it is not “somehow”, it is our commitment to keeping “God” at the center of our life and relationship that has gotten us through the many valleys of our 30’s…A supportive network of family and friends also helped. As we both approach our 40's we remain best friends. However, we are both unfolding into a different level of understanding of ourselves and all of the pieces that surround us. We see so many things through different lenses than we did just ten years ago…even two years ago…It is an awesome experience to grow together and support each other through the transition into another decade of our life.
Turning 40 is filling me with this overwhelming desire to figure out God’s purpose for my life. I have all that I ever wanted…so I thought...I look and feel good, I have an amazing husband, phenomenal kids, a job I love, true and loyal friendships, and an extended family that loves and supports me in all that I do…but for the last year or so, I have been in such a state of discontentment…why? I keep asking myself the same question…The only thing that makes sense to me is that there must be a larger purpose for my life. God is stirring in me like never before, and has made me restless in all that I do and think.
Recently, I decided to take some time to work on ‘me'. I am working on forgiving myself for my inadequacies, and learning to accept myself as I am with no apologies. This is probrably one of the toughest challenges I have faced in a long time. I am learning to value each day as if its the last. Turning forty has made me realize that I don’t have as much time to figure "it" all out, so I am going to stop trying, and maybe "it" is not for me to figure out in the first place. I am learning to live my life without a plan. Anyone who knows me, also knows I always have a plan. I don't have a plan right now, and I am ok with that. ok...I have a few mini plans, but not a master plan. As May 26 quickly approaches, I’ve decided to take life one day at a time...My greatest desire for my 40's is to experience joy and peace from the inside out. It is in this place that I am confident that God’s plan for my life will be revealed.
I will keep you posted…Stay tuned…
